Letter to my son, age 3 yrs. 9 mo. (unsent)

Connor,
How are you? I know it's been a long time since we've talked or seen each other, and you probably don't understand why Daddy had to leave.
The truth is, it will probably be a long time until you do understand, but I'll try to explain as best as I can for now.
The first thing I want you to remember, is that no matter what anyone tells you, is that your Daddy loves you more than anything else in the world.
I remember dancing around the doctor's office when your Mommy and I first learned that you were going to come and join us.
I remember the first words I said when I laid eyes on you for the first time, "He's perfect."
I remember taking you to your very first trip to the doctor's office and how you made a mess and peed all over the place while I tried to get a fresh diaper on you before the doctor came in.
I remember holding you in my arms and rocking you to sleep outside of a Mexican restaurant in San Francisco singing 'Thunder Road' to you while the rest of the grown-ups finished their meals.
Don't worry, I had already finished and didn't mind at all.
I remember seeing you go back to preschool after having been out sick for a few days and your friend, Roger, running over to you and giving you a big hug when you walked in the door.
I was so proud that you were making friends.
I was so proud of you, period and I always will be.
Yesterday was the first Father's Day we've ever been apart and I spent the whole day missing you and wishing I could see you or hear you or hold you, even just for a minute.
Remember how bad you felt when we had to leave the 'ladybug house' behind before you were ready? And how you cried because you thought you weren't going to get to see them again?
Imagine that, only a lot, lot more and for all day, every day.
That's how much it hurts without you.
That hardest part is, it's my fault.
Daddy made a lot of mistakes and Daddy did a lot of bad things...but the one good thing that Daddy ever did in this world, was to bring you into it.
I hope someday you'll understand and I hope someday that I can explain everything to you and I hope that someday you won't hate me and will still want me in your life.
Until then, I want you do do some things for me.
I want you to listen to your Mommy...she's a good woman, with a good heart and she's the best Mommy in the whole world and she deserves to be happy and so do you.
I want you to laugh..a lot.
I want you to be a good friend at school...I want you to mind your teachers and to be a good student as well...ask questions and work hard.
I want you to be careful playing in the backyard of your new house...always wear your helmet when you're riding your bike.
I want you to still think about me and to try to not be sad...we'll see each other again someday.
I want you be a gentleman...and to know it's OK to cry.
I want you to be a good boy...the one good thing I ever did.
I love you,
Daddy