At least for me.
What's The Fear?
I found out a few early mornings ago.
I was up to my usual nonsense..cruising personal ads and answering one that seemed interesting...or promising...or one that seemed like it would get me laid.
Anyways.
I answered it and I heard back right away, we sent a few emails back and forth and, as it turns out, the woman in question was doing some writing of her own and needed printer paper.
She suggested we meet up at a 24-hour store where she was going to buy her supplies...public, open, safe etc.
Now, I had seen a very vague picture of this woman...dressed for Halloween, tongue sticking out and, while it wasn't a very flattering image, I was hoping beyond hope that it was just a bad picture.
Hoping that this wasn't someone that I would sleep with just for the sake of sleeping with them.
Hoping that this wouldn't be someone I would be horrified and ashamed to be intimate with.
I got there and it was worse than I could have imagined.
Now, I don't proclaim to be uber-handsome or shallow or vain or completely self-absorbed (well, ok I'm pretty self-absorbed) but in order for me to be healthy, there has to be a threshold of attraction that I shouldn't be willing to go under...otherwise I'm screwing just for the sake of screwing...which is kind of the problem in the first place.
Now, I've slept with people I was not even attracted to on any level...I'm not saying they weren't attractive, just that I wasn't attracted.
But, I slept with them anyways.
Yes, I do hate myself that much.
This woman, however, I was repulsed by.
She looked like Paul Giamatti with 40 extra lbs and a pony tail. Beige teeth (the ones she still had, anyways), bad skin under a layer of grease, dark circles under her eyes the color of rotten oranges.
The worst part, though...was the smell.
This wasn't the light dustiness of an I-showered-at-8-am-and-didn't-shower-again-before-going-out-at-3-am odor...this was a deep, ground-in stank.
What made it even worse was that she was stoned, which isn't a problem in and of itself, but because she was high, she kept talking and talking and when she talked, she would gesticulate and wave her hands around, wafting this incredible funk directly at me while we were talking outside the store.
It stung, brought tears to my eyes, made me want to retch and forced me to turn away to try and retrieve a few gasps of clean air.
I don't go into this amount of detail to be cruel...I'm trying to make the point of just how unappealing I found this particular person.
Now, my fucked-up brain has moments of clarity...for instance, my rational 'sober' mind was very much like "Be pleasant, but excuse yourself and go home...soon."
The dark, needy, self-loathing, sick, twisted hateful, warped side of my brain...didn't want to get together with her either...but...the fear was there that I would
As much I was repulsed by this person...as much as I was almost to the point of being physically ill in her very presence...I was legitimately afraid that, if propositioned, if presented with the offer...that I'd take it.
And that scares the shit out of me.
That's the Fear.
That no matter what a bad idea it would be, no matter how much I know that I shouldn't, no matter how much I simply don't want to...I've got to live with the nagging fear that I might. Just because my brain and body have some unmet need, some void they're trying to fill...no matter what the cost.
My own brain working against me.
That's the Fear.
Thankfully, the offer never came...I'm sure she danced around the idea and was waiting for me to suggest something...the opening was there..thankfully I never took it..and neither did she.
I honestly don't know what I would have done.
That's The Fear.
No comments:
Post a Comment