Imagine what it's like

Imagine you’re falling.
Imagine you’re falling and you keep waiting.
Imagine waiting for that sudden stop, that jolt, that crushing slam into something solid that lets you know that you’ve finally hit bottom.
Imagine waiting for it and it never coming.
Imagine while you’re falling that all you can do is replay in your mind every cheap thing you’ve ever done.
Imagine with crystal clear precision the look in the eyes of every person you wronged when they found out the truth about you.
Imagine the hurt in their voices when they asked you, “why?”
Imagine falling, waiting to hit bottom and having all day, every day to be reminded what a piece of shit you are.
Imagine falling into silence and being able to hear your name being cursed from thousands of miles away.
Imagine destroying everything you touch.
Imagine continuing to fall and waiting, hoping that there’s an end to the fall.
The luxury in hitting bottom is that you finally know it can’t get worse from there.
Imagine that luxury never coming.
Imagine having to wonder if you can actually die simply from grief.
Imagine invisible hands squeezing your heart and crushing your chest.
Imagine sadness you can feel in your ribs.
Imagine watching your whole life from outside yourself, because actually being inside your own skin is too terrible to bear. Your own brain trying to save yourself from the misery of being you.
Imagine realizing that you’re the very thing you used to hold beneath contempt.
Imagine being paralyzed by your own memories and wanting to physically claw your own brain out of your skull every time one hits you out of nowhere.
Imagine having the hubris to actually entertain the notion you are superior to anyone.
Imagine falling and waiting to hit bottom and thinking that you’re hearing wind rushing past your ears and realizing that it’s actually you screaming.
Imagine hating everything about yourself and silently pitying those that think you’re worth more than a shit-stain on a restroom wall.
Imagine all of this without having the luxury of faith in anything to help assuage it all.
Imagine wishing you’d collapse in the middle of the sidewalk, turn into a puddle and trickle away.
Imagine wondering what anyone ever saw in you.
Imagine trying to fall faster just to find out where the bottom finally is.